So remember when I was going to residential?
That didn’t happen.
It’s a really long story, and I’d rather not get into it (for once), but I essentially realized that I didn’t need that level of care. I know this is going to be a long process, but I’d rather deal with it on my terms for longer than suffer for a month and still not be better. I’m not sure if that makes any sense, but it makes sense to me, so we’re going with it.
I got to spend some time in Miami last week, and it was great. I went to Soulcycle three times in three days, and I engaged in some well-deserved retail therapy. But I think I realized something while I was away- people with bipolar don’t do well when they don’t have a home base.
I saw an image in a Huffington Post article that helps explain what it feels like to have bipolar-I’m including it below. Basically, it’s a constant feeling of being unmoored. It’s feeling like your tie to your body is tenuous, and at any point, your true self will slip away from you and you’ll be left an observer in your own life. This is especially true in manic periods, but you can feel the same way in depressive periods as well. It’s that feeling of being unrecognizable to oneself, which is quite obviously terrifying.
I’ve noticed that this feeling gets worse when I don’t have a solid home base. It happened when I went away to college, because after living my entire life in Florida, I was wholly unprepared for life on my own in Tennessee. It happened when I moved back to Nashville after living in LA for a summer, because I didn’t take enough time to get settled before I started a new job. I by no means am feeling as manic as I did at either of these points, but I feel it to a lesser degree because I went home only to realize that my home isn’t there anymore. My parents moved from my house in Vero to a condo in Miami, and while I love being in a city, it isn’t home. I think I flew to Florida last week because I wanted to be home, and when I got there, I realized that my home doesn’t exist anymore. My home, right now, is in Nashville. So being away from it in a period of major unrest was harder than I anticipated.
I think this same concept applies to most people. It’s especially true for introverts, but I really believe that we all need a place to call home. It’s hard to get in touch with yourself and to have that restorative, relaxing time if you don’t have a place where you feel comfortable. Of course, some people feel at home when they’re on a plane to a new place (I don’t understand this, but I know it exists), and some people feel at home on any random beach, as long as it’s a beach. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s important for us to figure out where our home is, or what feels most like home to us as individuals. That way, we can avoid feeling lost and alone, because that isn’t fun for anyone.
So where do I feel most at home? I'm a little torn. I used to feel at home in Vero, even though I hated it sometimes for being so small. And I feel at home in Nashville, even though I can't handle the winters. Ideally, I'd live in Florida, just in a place that feels more... me. I'm hoping to find that place sooner rather than later. But in the meantime, Nashville will do ;)