I’ve been waiting to write this post for a while now. At first, I was too sad to write it, then too angry. Now I finally feel like I’ve gained clarity and found peace with the situation, so I think I'm ready to start talking about it.
Over a month ago, my boyfriend, who I lived with, left. I was in the hospital, for a reason I don’t feel like making public right now. While I was there, my mom called and told me that he had moved out. All I could think, at first, was: “Well, I guess this is why he hasn’t been returning my calls.” I sat in the hospital for two days, unable to eat, unable to move. I couldn’t even cry- I just sat there and tried to sleep. When I got out of the hospital, it was pretty much more of the same. I was completely rocked to my core- how could the person I loved and trusted just up and leave? He didn’t even say goodbye. The last words we spoke to each other were during a fight, and I don't even remember what they were. He hasn’t reached out since, and in a way, I’m glad.
You see, I realized pretty quickly after he left that he did me a favor. Our relationship looked perfect on the surface, but it wasn’t. We fought way more than a couple ever should, and we were incredibly codependent with each other. My highs were his highs, and my lows were his lows. In a lot of ways, we were too similar, and while I have never been as happy as I was with him, I have also never been as sad.
When he left, I felt shocked, hurt, and betrayed. But after about a week, I started to feel light again. I was able to regain my happiness in a new and beautiful way, especially when I started putting myself first and dedicating time to my personal growth, which I haven’t done in years. I spent so much time loving Paul that I didn’t spend any time loving myself. When I eventually enter into a relationship again, I know that I’ll need to be more self-aware to ensure that I don’t lose myself. But this whole “single life” thing has been really transformative for me, and I plan on continuing to see where this phase of life leads.
I’m not sure what direction the blog will go in next. It’s gone through many transformations over the years- it’s catalogued three big cross-country moves, two major breakups, and ton of stuff in between. But I know that I won’t abandon it- not yet. I still have so much to say, and I won’t be silenced by any old unfortunate situation.
Until next time.