There's a pretty legitimate reason why I haven't been blogging over the last couple months. At first, it was because I was really wrapped up in my new job at Emma, so I didn't have time to think about anything else. Then, that reason started to change. Around the end of October, I started using the time I had outside of work to do destructive things. The girl who didn't drink all summer started going out constantly and drinking every night. I made a lot of rash changes to my lifestyle that I later regretted. I started acting differently, in the sense that I became a girl without anxiety or fear of the future. I was living in the moment, but dangerously so. And thus began my first real bipolar episode.
In December, I started to crash. And by the time January began, I was completely and totally immersed in the worst depressive phase of my life. I was suicidal most days, and I had trouble getting out of bed, much less doing my job at work. I started questioning everything, because the person I was during my "mania" phase felt so unlike me. I also started to pick up my bulimia habit again with full force; on bad days, I would binge and purge up to six times. I was becoming a hazard to myself, even after starting weekly therapy and DBT. So finally, I made the decision to take my mental health seriously, and thus seek serious treatment for it.
Milo = one of my main sources of happiness over the last several months
Tomorrow, I start treatment at Renfrew in Brentwood for bulimia and bipolar disorder. I'll be going to treatment every day from 8:15-2 for the next month. Sure, I'm scared as hell about doing a deep dive into all of my issues. And honestly, at this point, my bulimia is such a safety blanket that I'm afraid to give it up. However, I know that it's time I fix these issues once and for all, and I'm looking forward to the moment when I start to feel truly normal again. Already, since starting bipolar meds, I'm feeling a lot better. But I know that things can only go up from here, and that's really exciting.
I say all of this because I made a promise to be authentic on this blog. I hate how we as a culture deal with mental health, and I want all of y'all to feel more comfortable talking about your own issues, at least with your friends and family. It took me months to come clean to mine about the things I was dealing with, and even now, there are a lot of people who know me and have no idea what's going on in my life. So let's get real about our issues, whatever they are, and start treating mental health like the illness it is. With treatment, you truly CAN recover.
animal therapy for the win
I'll make sure to update my blog with updates about treatment, and I'm hoping to start posting normal lifestyle content again soon, as well. Thanks so much for your patience and understanding.